by Matthew Capezzuto

Divorce affects nearly 60% of our nation’s population. It does not discriminate among race, age, occupation, social status, socioeconomic status, or even religion. Nearly everybody knows someone who has been divorced. It has become such a common social phenomenon that it’s almost expected of marriages in our time and is the focus of jokes, television programs, movies, and marketers.  What is lost in all the sensationalizing and legitimizing of divorce is the devastating impact it has on children.

When children experience divorce, they are likely to feel at fault or believe they should have been able to keep their parents together. They experience guilt and depression as a result and often begin to assume parental roles in the family to replace the missing parent figure. This can be extremely stressful and result in emotional, behavioral, social, and academic consequences for children.

In addition, their lives and schedules drastically change to accommodate their parents’ wish to be apart. However, despite the fact that the aftermath of divorce can be difficult, separation is often the right choice for men and women who are unable to get along and provide stable and loving households for their children. The purpose of this article is not to discourage divorce; it is to help parents help their children adjust to the changes that typically follow divorce.

The following steps can help children learn to deal with divorce by processing their emotions and maintaining healthy and consistent relationships with their mothers and fathers.

1.  Make sure they know it is not their fault

Children are egocentric. That is, essentially they believe the world revolves around them, they influence everything in their surroundings, and they cause good and bad things to happen. This is no different in the case of divorce.

When mom and dad get divorced, the children believe it’s their fault. They think mom or dad is leaving them and don’t understand the complexities of adult relationships that often result in divorce. Therefore, to the developing child’s mind the only explanation for divorce that makes sense is that mom or dad is leaving because of him or her.

The child feels guilty and abandoned with no ability to contemplate other possible reasons for the divorce that do not include him or her as central to the cause. It is the job of divorced parents to ensure their children with certainty that they are not the cause of the divorce.

They should explain to their children in plain, age appropriate language, that the divorce had nothing to do with them and that both mom and dad love them as they always have and will.  This can be a daily discussion if necessary, but should be initiated by parents on a regular basis during the initial phases of the divorce.

2.  Don’t talk negatively about the other parent

Degradation of the other parent in a divorce situation only adds to the confusion and pressure children feel during this difficult time. The children want to please both parents, so when one criticizes the other, the children feel pressure to agree to avoid disappointing mom or dad. If both parents are critical, the children feel double the pressure.

In addition, children fear additional loss and abandonment in divorce situations and they associate disappointing parents with the potential for further abandonment by one or both of them. Divorced parents should encourage healthy conversation about the other parent and facilitate consistent visitation and relationship maintenance.

3.  Schedule and maintain regular visitation no matter what

Regular and consistent visitation is crucial to the ongoing development of children following a divorce. Children identify with their mothers and fathers as they form their own identities. If this is interrupted, the children are at risk for experiencing emptiness and seeking fulfillment from less favorable sources outside the family.

For example, if a female’s relationship with her father is interrupted following a divorce, she may turn to other men for the purpose of replacing her father to get her needs met. If she chooses abusive or neglectful men to meet her needs, this could have damaging effects on her sense of self and future relationships.

It is common for parents to deny or interrupt visitation in efforts to exact revenge on each other or manipulate one another. The use of children as pawns is never wise or good for their development. Divorced parents should create and maintain regular visitation schedules from the initial phase of the divorce.

4.  Allow and encourage them to talk about their emotions

Expressing emotions is important in any traumatic situation. It releases energy and helps to build stronger relationships with those with whom the emotions are expressed, and models healthy behavior for future relationships.

Children of divorce need to discuss their emotions with both parents and other supportive adults to ensure they are expressed in appropriate forums to decrease the potential for them to be acted out. Humans are emotional beings and need to express their emotions in healthy manners to avoid negative expression and the development of psychological illnesses and symptoms or maladaptive behaviors. Parents need to encourage children to talk about their feelings during the process and following divorce.

5.  Don’t use them as emotional surrogates

Sometimes parents use their children as sounding boards or for support following divorce. Children lack the maturity and sophistication to handle adult emotions. Divorced parents should only relate their emotions to validate the emotions of their children. Otherwise, they might feel responsible for parents’ emotions and take them on as their own. So use your emotions to be supportive, but process them with your adult friends and family. This will preserve their confidence in your ability to be available for them.

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Matthew Capezzuto, Ph.D., LISW is a psychotherapist, relationship counselor, psychology instructor, and former bodybuilder. He has counseled thousands of individuals and couples on how to achieve health and prosperity in their lives and relationships. He has also helped individuals achieve their fitness goals through personal coaching and training. Dr. Capezzuto continues to counsel people in his private practice and is a principle member of Roadmaps To SUCCESS, the leading source for information on health, wealth, and happiness. For further information about Dr. Capezzuto, please visit www.RoadmapsToSUCCESS.com.

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